Our Friends and Jealousy

Last night I got a call from one of my best friends. She is my 'unconditional'. She is on my side even when I am so far wrong that Lou is even calling me out on it. She is my Nicole. We met about 5 1/2 years ago when we both were hired on as waitresses at the same restaurant in the same week. She was hired on for lunch and I for dinner. She wanted dinner and I wanted lunch. We exchanged numbers and the past half a decade we have been there unconditionally for each other. When our other halves were driving us crazy. When we hated our jobs. When we wanted a divorce from our in-laws. When we thought we were going to hell because we were horrible moms to our pups.

Nicole was there the night we adopted our first dog Hannah. She painted half our house and her hubby Tom installed the flooring in two of our bedrooms. She was the one I called when I thought Lou and I had drawn a line in the sand in our relationship and we were on opposite sides. She called me when she was so mad at one of her classmates she was afraid she was going to punch them. Lou and I helped move them into their current house. She called me first when she found out she was pregnant with her beautiful son Henry. I threw her baby shower. She was one of three people I told I was pregnant before we miscarried. She is my Nicole.

In the past year or two we have grown a bit distant in our daily lives. We used to talk every day now we talk once a week, but in the end we always know, no matter what, we are there, on each others sides, even if we are so wrong our husbands are even, generally for our own good, refusing to stand by our actions.

Last night she called me around 9. We chatted for a few minutes then she told me to ask her 'What's new?' This is our code for 'I'm pregnant.' I immediately put her on speaker phone so Lou and I could both shout our happiness for her into the phone. We were and still are so incredibly excited for our friends Nicole and Tom and our beautiful Henry. After we calmed down Nicole confessed that  her and Tom were a little nervous to call us because they knew how much we wanted our own 'Ask me what's new' conversation. I was and am still so happy for them that I feel no jealousy or animosity toward them for getting pregnant, within a few months of trying, with their second and we, after over a year and a half, are still without our first. This however, is not true for almost everyone else in my life.

Several times I have had to put on a fake smile and give fake congratulations for people when they are suddenly and accidentally pregnant or even are trying and it happens quickly for them. Hell, I've been terribly jealous of not as good of friends who have been trying for a while and got pregnant. Though I wont admit to how ridiculous I get, I will admit even to feeling spiteful when I have a friend happily announce another friend of theirs is pregnant.  I think 'Why you and not me? You don't deserve that baby as much as I do.' Then I feel horrible because I don't feel horrible for thinking Lou and I are more deserving than they are. This is one of my biggest faults. Feeling entitled to what others have. Lou and I have been so lucky in our lives. We have so many people that love us and so many we love yet here I am, spiteful of those with babies on the way.

In the end I have to laugh a little at my ridiculousness. I can't just kick a babe out into the back yard with the dogs when I want to go grocery shopping and have coffee with a friend. I can't ignore them in the morning when I want to sleep in. I can't forget to feed them breakfast like I do the pups. I can't kick them outside when they have to go to the bathroom. I guess the first step is acknowledging you have a problem, then finding enjoyment in booting everyone outside when its time to have a peaceful moment inside. Right?